This is another blog post directed mainly at the ladies. Guys, you can read on, but the same caveat in my Girly Parts Exam posting applies here. I am known for telling it like it is, so be forewarned.
Let me start out by saying that at forty-one and eleven-twelfths, I have very much embraced the decade I am in. There are a lot of benefits. You feel no shame in saying that your favorite place to be at 10pm on a Saturday night is dozing off in bed to "House Hunters". Folks finally dial down the pressure on you to have yet another kid because they do the math and realize you can join AARP at the same time the baby is rushing a fraternity. You can buy spray paint and not get carded. The list is just endless.
However, there are many things for which I was not prepared. You know that friend who takes you aside in junior high and gives you the lowdown on what really happens when you get your period and have sex and all of the other mysteries of the developing years that you know the basics of but not the nitty gritty? Well, there is no such person for giving you some of the harsh facts of turning forty. So allow me to be your tour guide. And unlike your tween pal back in the day who got all of her information from a purloined copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and her cousin's best friend's sister's account of her "first time", I deal only in proven facts. So grab a glass of wine, and keep the bottle handy for refills. Here we go.
Proven Fact #1: You will grow a goatee.
Don't worry, this won't happen overnight, and the actual full-on goatee can be prevented. You can go one of two routes; the tweezers or electrolysis. I am a cheapskate, therefore I pluck. Without going into further details, let's just say that the errant hairs are not always confined to your face. I recommend doing a full body scan once a month for rogue sprouts. If you have dark hair like I do, best make it twice a month. You'll be surprised at what you may find.
Proven Fact #2: Whenever you lean over to the side and see your face in the mirror, you will appear to be having a stroke.
One word: gravity. Unless you want to go the extreme route of having a face lift, the only way to avoid this one completely is to swear off any activity requiring bending or leaning from the waist. (At this point, 90% of the readers of this post will be tempted to pause here and go look in a mirror while doing a side bend. Word of advice: polish off the wine in your glass before you do.)
Proven Fact #3: Your boobs are done.
Chances are, if you've given birth and nursed at all, they threw up the white flag years ago. Again, unless you opt for surgery, gravity ain't gonna do you any favors in this area either. And even if you do drop five gees to the Boob Fairy, time will continue to march across your perky new mams until they become road weary and eventually give up the fight for the second time. Consolation: most men like ALL breasts, whether they look like they have been applied with a toilet plunger or like tube socks with tennis balls in them. Buy good bras, learn how to undress and redress in under twenty seconds, and never do so in front of a mirror.
Proven Fact #4: People are not messing with the font size on your computer/Kindle/phone.
Get readers. Yes, every time you put them on, people will think you're about to read a Dickens novel aloud to them. Embrace this new seemingly intellectual side of yourself and be kind to your aging peepers.
Proven Fact #5: You have two new best friends. Their names are Darkness & Distance.
Nothing will send a woman over forty scurrying like a cockroach faster than someone coming at them with a camera in a well-lit room. Please, a little understanding here. If you can see the color of her eyes in your lens, zoom out. If it's bright enough to discern whether she is wearing a light or a dark color, no flash is really necessary. Now, if you're a professional photographer and proficient in the art of image editing, the aforementioned advice is retracted. Honey, you are the third BFF of the Woman Over Forty. Snap away! (I am not a proponent of narcotics, but if everyone could see us all the time through the same dreamy, soft-focus filter that peyote users view the world, THAT would be a ideal for WOF. Just sayin'.)
Proven Fact #6: I can't remember what it was.
Again, if you're a mom, you are probably already into the forgetfulness thing. Turning forty is not going to help this. The good news is that this is a phenomenon that eventually transcends gender, so your hubby is probably going through it as well. No judgments will be forthcoming from him. He's too busy trying to remember where he put his readers.
Proven Fact #7: You will be tempted to start lying to your ob/gyn about fake problems with your uterus so (s)he will remove it.
You're done having babies, you've been through approximately 300 shark weeks in your life, and you're just over the whole thing. Menopause is still many years away, and the whole idea of another decade or so of a shark week every month is tiring. Maybe I'm in the minority on this one, I don't know. Some of my friends have been shocked when I tell them that since I've shuttered the Baby Factory for good, I'd like it torn down and hauled off. They say they want to keep theirs in case their daughter or DIL can't carry a baby, and then they can carry their own grandchild. *crickets* Huh? Yeah, not happening over here. Demo can start anytime, Doc.
Proven Fact #8: Speaking of grandbabies, some of you will have them before you turn 50.
If you haven't polished off that wine yet, this idea might send you to the bottom of the bottle. According to the latest statistics, 40% of people today between the ages of 40 and 49 will become grandparents before they hit 50. Four out of ten of us. I'm choosing to exempt myself from being part of that four since I had my kids in my 30s, and they will still be teenagers when I turn 50. Before you start throwing teen pregnancy stats back at me, this is MY blog, and I declare here that I shan't be a grandparent when my kids are teens. I'm going to ask you to just be nice and humor me on that one. Which may be challenging if you have personal knowledge of the Boy Child. But I digress.
Proven Fact #9: You WILL start seeing your mother in the mirror.
This could be worse. I look nothing like my mom and am the spitting image of my dad. Count your lucky stars your reflection doesn't resemble a seventy-six year old man, and carry on.
Proven Fact #10: Despite all the ways your forties can be frightening, they are also completely spectacular.
They say your twenties are your "me" decade. I disagree. In your forties, it really is about you and your journey of self-discovery. You gain wisdom and enlightenment in ways you could have never imagined. Your life on this earth is half gone, so it takes on a precious and delicate quality it never had before. The material takes a back seat, and the people and beliefs you hold dear stand at the forefront. Every day you are given is a blessing. At least that's how it is for me.
The physical body getting older does stink, there are no two ways about it. But since we are powerless to stop it, just don't let it overshadow all the amazing things getting older does for your mind and spirit. In the words of Betty Friedan, "Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength". I couldn't agree more. So raise that wine glass to yourself, to me, and to all of the other fabulous forty-somethings who are not just doing life, but who try and find the beauty and blessing in living it well each and every day.
Sparkly Kisses,
D
