I could make this blog entry really short. Meetings suck. But then I wouldn't get to use any humor, sarcasm, pontification or run-on sentences. What's the fun in that? So instead I will list my pet peeves when it comes to said subject.
Now before you get all wonky on me and ask me what, as a SAHM, I could possibly have to complain about when it comes to meetings, pipe down over there Tito. I'm Michael Jackson in this blog, and you're Tito, and I don't need to rattle off my resume of current pro bono positions that require me to go to more meetings each week than I care to even think about. So grab an agenda and go sit in the corner with LaToya.
Meetings for the Sake of Having a Meeting
This is the one where there are no clear cut agenda, objectives, outcomes or point for anyone to have gone through four rounds of "Evening Kid Activities Logistics" with your spouse in order to attend it.
Meetings Where the Materials are Read to You Point by Point
Uhhhhhh, I've been reading since I was five. Save some trees and my time, and just email me this stuff. If you want to also email me a follow up pop quiz, bring it on son!
"Breakfast", "Lunch" and "Dinner" Meetings
If you are trying to get me to come to your meeting by luring me with a meal, lemme break it down for you:
-Breakfast: Y'all had best be serving some hot food. Cantaloupe and some mini-muffins that are so dry they turn into an inedible mass of crumbs when I try and bite into one is NOT breakfast. And REAL 1/2 and 1/2 for the coffee, people. You don't put powdered gas treatment in your car to make it run more efficiently. I'm not putting any powdered crap in my coffee either for the same reason.
-Lunch: I have been to "lunch" meetings where I am given the same amount of food that I pack in my seven-year-old's lunch box. While I am not a big gal, I do appreciate enough food to keep my stomach full at least for the duration of the meeting.
Dinner: If it resembles anything that is part of the meal service on an airplane, rethink the budget and the caterer next time. Nuff said.
Endless Q&A Sessions in Meetings
I get it. You lead a meeting, some people are going to have a follow up question or two. By all means, let them ask. I said one or two. If someone goes beyond two, I'm likely to "accidently" kick her/him under the table with the pointy toe of my stiletto as I uncross my legs. Being the good Christian that I am, I will assist them out of the meeting and to their car so they can hurry on home and get some ice on that bump, and I will be praying for swift healing for them in the name of Jesus, and BUH-bye now!
And like with the presidential debates, set a time limit on the A. If you can't sufficiently answer someone's question in a minute or two, do some research and follow up with an email. And if you send the answer to everyone on the meeting roster, for heaven's sake, blind copy it. Otherwise the Q person will "reply all" with ANOTHER question, and now the meeting has spilled over into my inbox and has no end point.
-Loooooooooooooong Meetings
Sweet Mary and Joseph, no meeting should ever last longer than two hours. And you had better have some good stuff in that agenda packet if you are going longer than ninety minutes. Like some covers from "Men's Health" magazine interspersed throughout or a couple of crosswords and a "doodle" page. Some meetings you can get away with playing on your phone, but others you can't, and it would be nice to have something as an incentive to stay awake.
So if I come to your meeting, I promise I will be a good girl and pay attention if you adhere to the guidelines above. And I practice what I preach with the meetings I lead. Short, sweet, informative and punctuated with humor are my main objectives. And oftentimes, followed up with post-meeting "debriefings" on the patio of a local restaurant with daily drink specials. So thanks for letting me air my meeting grievances, and I hereby declare this meeting adjourned!
Sparkly Kisses,
D
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