My Thoughts on: Aldi

I looooooove me some Aldi.  Since Aldi is a worldwide company, I assume my readers in Germany and Poland (and how cool is it that PB&J has an international "following"!) have heard of it, as well as those of you in 'Merica.  If not, do a little research on their website's home page, and then come back and rejoin the group.

Aldi is an experience for all five senses.  Let's start with the parking lot.  I am blessed with a nice car.  It's not nice in the sense that it's something you would play for in the Bonus Round of "Wheel of Fortune", but it's nice in the sense that it's pretty,  has lots of great bells and whistles, and it replaced my dinged up, generic mommyvan that I had and hated for years.  Suffice it to say that I love my car even more than I love Aldi.

So, consequently, the best place to park it is nowhere near other cars.  Let's just say that the general clientele at Aldi doesn't have the same pride of ownership in their vehicles that I do in mine, and I have seen more than one of them swing their car door open with all the force of a bank robber busting into a vault.  Also, given the fact that I also once witnessed (at ten o'clock in the morning, mind you) a guy slam a beer, set the bottle down on the asphalt and drive away, I'd prefer to park in the back forty and get some cardio in while power walking to the front doors.

Let's move along lest I scare off the newbies before we're even inside. Before you go in, you'll need to grab two things from your car, namely, some "green" bags and a quarter.  To save on costs, Aldi doesn't give you anything to bag your groceries.  You can buy bags from them, and occasionally you can rummage a box or two to put your goods in, but these are a hot commodity, and some arm wrestling may be required to win the rights to one.

The quarter is for a deposit on a shopping cart.  Some of you are saying "wha....?" to that, but again, Aldi does it to cut costs.  They are shrewdly taking advantage of the fact that most of us that shop there are serious cheapskates, and we will return our cart to the secured row of them next to the front door in order to get our whole twenty-five cents back.  This prevents the carts from being left in the parking lot, and if the customers logically treat the carts the same way they treat their cars, doing so could lead to some serious profit loss for the company.

Now if you're smart, when you pull in, you're looking for someone who is unloading their cart.  You give them a quarter, and you take theirs, thus avoiding the whole extraction of a cart from the tandem lock system, which worked well in theory and design at the assembly plant, but at the store itself, notsomuch.  At last, you're ready to head in.

Navigating the aisles will require some skill.  You will encounter middle-of-the-aisle parkers and screaming children running amok and ducking and dodging through the carts.  Don't be intimidated.  Move forward in a slow but deliberate way.  Come armed with three weapons to battle the Parkers and the Screamers.  First, try a smile.  If that doesn't work, try an "Excuse me".

As a last resort, try a "befuddled bump".  This is done by staring off to the side at the items on the shelf while gently, but firmly, bumping their cart/child out of the way.  Then when they turn to you in shock and surprise, you look startled and unsure yourself as to what happened, apologize sincerely, and move along what is now a clear path.  Genius.

This may seem like a lot of trouble to some of you.  Believe me when I tell you that Aldi's prices and the cool stuff you find there make it totally worth it!  And I'll bet that a lot of you Trader Joe's freaks didn't know that Aldi owns TJ's.  Mmmm, hmmm.  You can find a lot of the same types of foods at Aldi that you find at TJ's, and they are even cheaper!

I think Aldi keeps that information on the DL because most of the people who shop TJ's wouldn't want to mix it up with us Aldi regulars.  That's okay.  You can keep your Two Buck Chuck, and we'll keep our two buck milk.  Greasers will still be Greasers, and Socs will still be Socs, and if you see us in the hall at school or someplace, and you don't say hi, we know it's not personal.(That's "The Outsiders" for those of you who didn't get the reference.  "Let's do it for Johnny, man!"  Ahhh, great book, great movie.)

Before you check out, be sure to hit the "last chance" bin.  This is where my BFF Clarence (see earlier blog post) hangs out.  It is a veritable potpourri of everything from bread mix to pajamas to car mats.  This stuff is even cheaper than the regular cheap Aldi prices.  I have come home with everything from this fabulous area  from Andes mint chocolate chips for thirty cents a bag to a new large stainless steel crock pot for ten bucks.

When you hit the check out lane, you have to shake off your euphoria from the bin bargains you scored and focus.  The check out is run with all the speed and precision of the assembly line at a Toyota plant.  Remove your items from the cart as quickly as possible.  Aldi cashiers don't mess around.  (It's my theory that each of them is made to drink a "5 Hour Energy" and eat a jar of marshmallow fluff thirty minutes before their shift starts.)  Then move your cart rapidly to the end of the conveyor so that they can pull it into place to catch your items.  They zip your items across the scanner so fast, it's invisible to the naked eye.  Don't be distracted by it!

If you're paying by debit card (it and cash are the only forms of payment accepted), swipe your card right away, otherwise the cashier will already be done scanning all your stuff and barking, "Do you want cash back?" at you.  If you hesitate again, (s)he will jerk your card away from you, swipe it, tell you to enter your PIN, and complete your transaction for you.  (I've never been guilty of this, but I've seen this done, and it's not pretty.  The person walks away in shame with a scarlet "A" of a different kind on their forehead.)  Then roll your cart away promptly to the counter for bagging your groceries, take care of business, and head for the back forty and the car.

The roller coaster of emotions and diorama of experiences may leave you in need of a post-Aldi nap, but the whole trip is so worth it.  If you are an Aldi lover like me, you whole-heartedly agree.  If you just don't get it, that's okay too.  Aldi may not be for everyone, but this chica just can't get enough of the place.

Sparkly Kisses,

D