If they don't have the presidential election called by midnight Eastern time, all votes are thrown out, and we go to the lightning round. They use real lightning, and the last one standing is president. Seriously. I think it's in the constitution. If not, it should be. And the electoral college is stupid. Just putting that out there.
-Three hours into deep cleaning my house, and it occurs to me that Glade needs to give up on scents like "Hawaiian Rain" and "Sunrise Meadow" or whatever. What moms really want is one called "Clorox and Pledge" so folks think we just finished cleaning. That way we are spared the time and trouble of actually doing it only to, within two hours, have the house looking again like a campground overtaken by raccoons.
-It will forever remain a mystery to me why three people who sleep like they are in a medically induced coma bother setting alarms. From 6:00 AM to 7:00 AM each day, it sounds like I have a fleet of construction vehicles backing up around my house.
-In case you haven't been on FB today, let me catch you up...
-Midwest meteorologists have been diligently checking their Magic 8 balls all day and now know with a degree of certainty that there WILL be an ice storm sometime between Sunday morning and the end of winter 2018.
-The Chiefs game was changed to Sunday evening, and everyone you know who gloated about having tickets is now selling them for $3 and will take cash, a bad check or some Great Clips coupons in trade for them.
-Kansas City is out of bread, milk, generators, chips and beer.
-Everybody thinks everybody else in this town is crazy.
-Everybody in warmer climates thinks we all are.
-They are right.
-Target is giving out five dollar coupons this week if you try on one of their swimsuits. All I can tell you in hindsight is that it should've been a shot of Fireball instead.
-When you're trying to get excited about Valentine's Day, but you're not so much hearts and flowers as you are chips and queso.
-When you're fasting dairy, sugar and alcohol, the devil don't need to take you to the desert to tempt you, honey. Sam's Club will do the trick all by itself. I would also like to publicly apologize to the nice lady in the bakery department for knocking that sample of French silk out of her hand, making the sign of the cross with two baguettes, and telling her, "Get thee behind me, Satan!" In my defense, it was National Pie Day, and I was feeling an added layer of pressure.
-I have to put it out there that if you text me, and I immediately respond, and you don't respond right back, I'm going to be concerned about your fate. You've now got me thinking that:
a) You've been abducted, and your initial text contains some sort of a clue to your whereabouts that I can't decipher, and now your captor has taken your phone away.
b) You were texting while driving and one of your kids called you out on it and has taken your phone away.
c) You ate a ham sandwich when you were texting me, the dog smelled the meat on the phone and has taken your phone away.
-Three hours into deep cleaning my house, and it occurs to me that Glade needs to give up on scents like "Hawaiian Rain" and "Sunrise Meadow" or whatever. What moms really want is one called "Clorox and Pledge" so folks think we just finished cleaning. That way we are spared the time and trouble of actually doing it only to, within two hours, have the house looking again like a campground overtaken by raccoons.
-It will forever remain a mystery to me why three people who sleep like they are in a medically induced coma bother setting alarms. From 6:00 AM to 7:00 AM each day, it sounds like I have a fleet of construction vehicles backing up around my house.
-In case you haven't been on FB today, let me catch you up...
-Midwest meteorologists have been diligently checking their Magic 8 balls all day and now know with a degree of certainty that there WILL be an ice storm sometime between Sunday morning and the end of winter 2018.
-The Chiefs game was changed to Sunday evening, and everyone you know who gloated about having tickets is now selling them for $3 and will take cash, a bad check or some Great Clips coupons in trade for them.
-Kansas City is out of bread, milk, generators, chips and beer.
-Everybody thinks everybody else in this town is crazy.
-Everybody in warmer climates thinks we all are.
-They are right.
-Target is giving out five dollar coupons this week if you try on one of their swimsuits. All I can tell you in hindsight is that it should've been a shot of Fireball instead.
-When you're trying to get excited about Valentine's Day, but you're not so much hearts and flowers as you are chips and queso.
-When you're fasting dairy, sugar and alcohol, the devil don't need to take you to the desert to tempt you, honey. Sam's Club will do the trick all by itself. I would also like to publicly apologize to the nice lady in the bakery department for knocking that sample of French silk out of her hand, making the sign of the cross with two baguettes, and telling her, "Get thee behind me, Satan!" In my defense, it was National Pie Day, and I was feeling an added layer of pressure.
-I have to put it out there that if you text me, and I immediately respond, and you don't respond right back, I'm going to be concerned about your fate. You've now got me thinking that:
a) You've been abducted, and your initial text contains some sort of a clue to your whereabouts that I can't decipher, and now your captor has taken your phone away.
b) You were texting while driving and one of your kids called you out on it and has taken your phone away.
c) You ate a ham sandwich when you were texting me, the dog smelled the meat on the phone and has taken your phone away.
Unless you are Marty Keaton-Ferren texting me. Then it is always:
d) You noticed when you were texting me that a picture was crooked and, while fixing it, decided that the whole wall needed a new look and left your phone behind when you went to IKEA.
d) You noticed when you were texting me that a picture was crooked and, while fixing it, decided that the whole wall needed a new look and left your phone behind when you went to IKEA.
-What if you were to get hot walking to Target, so when you arrived, you unzipped your hoodie and started to take it off. And remembered you didn't have a tank top on. And were wearing a nursing sports bra. Because it's laundry day, and it's the only one you had left that was clean. And you're not sure why you still even possess it since you have not nursed a child in over 10 years. I'm not saying this happened to me. I'm just stating that, hypothetically, that would really suck.
-So the question of the weekend seems to be, "Get any water in your basement?" Honey, please. I live in a house that is almost 70 years old with a stone foundation. Somebody dumps a cooler in my front yard, I got water in the basement. You want a house with history? At least five fans and a dehumidifier gonna go along with that package. It's how we do.
-Front yard kid baseball is 20% batting, 20% pitching and 60% looking for the ball in the bushes.
-You might have OCD too if you totally get why I bristled with pride when the cashier complimented me on how well my items were sorted, organized and aligned on the check out conveyor. If you think that's odd and a little sad, you most likely don't. And yes, I probably was the one who rearranged your medicine cabinet without your knowledge when I used the restroom at your house
-It was pointed out to me that 2015 is year twenty-five since I graduated from SMN. It's also year twenty since I walked the hill at KU (I was on the five year plan), my eldest will become a teenager this year, my youngest hits double digits, and I am spending more time each month on gray hair plucking and goatee prevention. (My dark haired sisters over forty are raising their tweezers in solidarity with me on that one.)
BUT. I can plank for two minutes, go from headstand to pike (Google it) like a boss, still outrun both of my kids (and my hubby, for that matter), and I got hit on by a 22 year old this week. (Yes, he was sober, and yes, I asked him how old he was. Freely disclosed that I am married, but not that I am old enough to be his mother. Oof.) The important thing to remember is that age ain't nothin' but a numba, my friends. Forty-somethings can still be fabulous, and none of the extremely dumb crap we did in our teens and 20s will EVER end up on the internet. Unfortunately though, the crap OUR kids pull will. (Maybe if we don't put on our readers to be able to see it, it never really happened?)
-Proofreading before you hit "post" on Facebook is always a great idea. When you're the PTA president, it's essential. By doing so, you are less likely to invite impotent men to the dads' breakfast at school.
-A huge mouthful of cobb salad + a monster sneeze you couldn't stop = something that shouldn't be seen outside of an autopsy suite.
-It may be seventy degrees outside, but I still turn on my heated seats when I get in the car. Part of it is because my butt is cold, but it's mostly just cuz I can. I hated them when I first had them on a car. Made me feel like I was peeing myself. But that was before I had kids, and if you've pushed a couple of pups with heads the size of melons out of your hoo-hah, you kind of unintentionally pee yourself sometimes anyway. Overshare?
-By "Helmets and Shoes Must be Worn At All Times in Batting Cages", I will assume that a fedora and bejewled flip flops are acceptable. Gotta do batting coach for my boy with my own personal sense of style.
-Whenever I'm at the DMV, I always hope that people around me realize that me mumbling to myself is not the rant of a crazy person but the prayers of a woman trying desperately not to be the lead story on the news.
-Saw a guy at Wal-Mart rocking cowboy boots, a toque and a full length mink coat. You're just not going to get that kind of a visual feast outside of NoJoCo kittens.
-One of the upsides to picture perfect weather: eating dinner on the new outdoor patio set. One of the downsides: the assorted neighborhood kids and dogs that can now come right up to your table to see what you're having.
-When I filled out my 2010 census, I managed to fail both the "last name first, first name last" and "how to fold and place census in the envelope" portions. Surprised I never got a follow-up call from the Bureau on how many mentally challenged people reside in the home.
-Had a random dude snap my picture as I was getting a cart at the store. I was left wondering, "Does he think I'm good lookin', or am I about to hit cyberspace on "People of Wal-Mart?"
-I totally support the U.S. Olympic athletes and all their Olympicking, and gosh, well done kids! I also have no shame in admitting that I have not watched ANY of the coverage of the games. Not one minute. Unless you count the GIF of the gymnast girl's parents cringing with anxiety in the stands while she did her routine. Surely someone could cough up a gold medal for THOSE two. They were hilarious and really, waaaay more composed than I would be if my kid were competing. My seat would have to come with a built in potty chair and a flask-shaped cup holder and be between two priests. And I'm not even Catholic.
But don't think for a moment that just because I don't watch the Olympics, that doesn't make a proud American. I have mad respect for how hard those kids train to achieve their dream of competing and repping our country. That's as American as it gets. So get after it y'all, go for the gold, and I'll catch you soon on "Dancing with the Stars". THAT I never miss. Hey, you gots to own who you are.
-Once when it was nine degrees outside, I saw a middle schooler at the bus stop in a hoodie and shorts. Guess it's a good thing Bush didn't make common sense a requirement for No Child Left Behind.
-For anyone who thinks 4" heels are impratical, wear them to Lowe's, & three sales guys will load your cart, your trunk, & one will offer to unload it at your house
-I have noticed that Facebook status updates really slow down when it's rush hour. People really need to do a better job of keeping up with FB while they're driving.
-I am always grateful for my salvation. An additional reason: I have found that besides to giving pedicures to the elderly and caring for vomiting children, cleaning up drywall dust is the third thing I would be forced to do in hell.
-Love that we seem to be on everyone's birthday party guest list, but when you are invited to four parties in one weekend, the party budget is effectively blown for the month. After that, we will be gifting rain bonnets and toothbrushes with our dentist's name on them until the next month.
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