I live in the midwest. This means that the peak months for swimsuit wearing occur between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Most of us midwestern chicks do what we can to prepare for this. Long about April, we start making more of an effort to put down the cookies and pick up the exercise routine.
Now before anyone starts getting their sports bra in a knot and accusing me of not keepin' it real, yes, I do work out rather consistently year round, and yes, I generally watch what I eat. But I am a lot more consistent during the off-peak months about watching chocolate go into my mouth after the kids go to bed than I am about exercise and diet.
Which brings me to a rare occasion that falls between September and May that will send most midwestern women scurrying faster than a cat that knows it's about to get a bath. This occasion is an event where there is an expectation we *might* have to put on a swimsuit. It could be a gathering at an indoor pool, a family trip to an indoor water park or what have you.
Please ladies, do NOT come crying to me about swimsuits if you are taking a trip to Mexico or some other tropical paradise in the winter. This is something you have planned months in advance, and you've had plenty of time to get buff and tan, so just hush up already and take your trip, and I'll pray extra hard to be happy for you and to even "like" your vacay pix on Facebook, k?
Those of you who know me in person may be asking yourself what I'm complaining about because I'm a single digit size, and I work out. Please. I'm over forty. NOTHING is as firm and tight as it used to be. Recently during a yoga practice, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror when I was in side angle pose, and I thought I must be having a stroke because all the flesh on the right side of my face was hanging down. Think I'm exaggerating? Those of you over forty, go try it, I dare you. You might want to knock back a couple of stiff cocktails first, I'm just sayin'. Also, just because you may think I'm driving a compact model over here, it doesn't mean she doesn't have hail damage on the trunk. That's genetics there Love. Cellulite's got nothing to do with how much you exercise. You either be havin' it, or you don't. I be.
Now if you're under thirty, have never had babies, and your butt is smoother than a freshly buffed gym floor, enjoy it Honey! Keep a bikini in your trunk for any excuse to throw it on. Pools, pageants, parties, sporting events, whatever! Because as a chick who once had all the curves in the right places and everything stood at attention, I'm telling you right now, those days are fleeting.
In another five or ten years, you will be with the other forty-somethings and me in your street clothes sweating it out at the indoor pool or water park and watching the kids and the dads frolic in the water. (Let's face it, unless they're a single dad, most men over thirty don't care whether they're built like Hugh Jackman or Archie Bunker. There is not one ounce of swimsuit fear here, even if there reeeeeally should be!) Or you'll be one of the women in the "mom"suit who have no choice but to get in to keep after a tiny tot. And we won't stare or make judgments. I promise. We'll just lock eyes with you and smile in Sisterly Solidarity. After all, midwestern chicks got to stick together!
Sparkly Kisses,
D
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