-I'd have to say that feeling both sexy and sophisticated as a woman is at its apex for me when I get into downward dog and the remnants of everything crumby I have eaten that day fall out of my cleavage and onto my yoga mat. I should definitely be like, a pageant coach or something.
-It was cardio day. Was headed out of town later, tons to do that morning before we left, so okay, I'll go to the 5:45am Boot Camp class at the gym and give it a whirl.
Post Workout Observations:
1. I need a shirt that says "Don't talk to me if the sun ain't up". And maybe a headband. And it written across my @$$.
2. Women over 40 who have pushed out babies should be exempt from jumping jacks.
3. Burpees still suck. Side burpees suck even more.
4. Seriously, don't talk to me. Unless it is to tell me how much burpees suck. Then I will grunt back to show solidarity.
5. No hot buff guys should be allowed to participate. It's 5:30am, I'm over 40, I don't do make up at the gym, and I have a wet spot in my crotch. (See #2) Yes, I'm married and not trying to hook up or anything, but I do have SOME standards for how I like to look in front of ripped dudes.
6. Turn down the @#$%ing music. We are in a cavernous gym, my blood in rushing in my ears, I'm auditorily challenged anyway, so I can't hear the instructor at ALL, which is forcing me to bug the crap out of the person next to me by repeatedly asking, "What did she say to do?". (Pretty sure that chick is having her own "Don't talk to me" shirt made up right now.)
7. When the "cooldown" portion of a cardio workout takes place at 6:30am, it should always include eggs and mimosas.
8. No, Miss Instructor, you may not have my email address so I can "keep up" with the latest Boot Camp news/advertisements for your personal training. You were lucky to get my first name. (Which was an alias.)
9. Some people actually stay after class and put away all of the equipment for the instructor. Brown nosers.
10. The only exercise I'm really meant to do before sunrise is make coffee and open my laptop.
-Gym Moms, don't get me wrong here. I ADORE preschoolers. Even had a couple of my own at one time or another. But the place for your darling cherub is in the gym daycare, and not running amok against the set direction on the track. I stunk at the running hurdles on Field Day, and trust me, my skills have not improved with age. Gravity and distance are plenty enough for me to deal with while running.
-Family vacay, I'm in one of the bedrooms doing yoga. My 5 yr old nephew comes in, watches me curiously for a minute, mimics my downward dog pose for a few seconds, then collapses. He says, "Yoda is hard" and leaves the room.
-Followed Dr's orders of no running for 6-8 wks by trying swimming. I'm not a swimmer. More of a "sit in the shallow end with a mojito" kinda girl. So Lady Swimmers, what's the deal with those cardio swim tops & how do you comfortably fit the girls in them? Mine were like two kids trapped in a Dutch oven & scrambling to get out from under the covers.
-If you're feeling chilly, I highly recommend attending the class after Bikram (hot) yoga at my yoga studio. I expected to look up from my downward facing dog to see Hitler and Anton Lavay on mats on either side of me.
-First time I have ever started a run before 9am when it didn't involve me first pinning a bib number to my shirt. Instead of spectators cheering along the route, I had my shirtless, corpulent neighbor giving me a thumbs up as he was having his morning smoke on his porch, and instead of a finisher's medal at the end of the run, I was handed a broken bobble head by a crying child. I think I will stick to any runs before 10am requiring official registration first.
-Fellas, a moment of your time! Underwear and loooong shorts are a good choice for the gym. Showing your nutty fudges while you're on the benchpress is NOT!
-How you can tell you need new sports bras? You're on lap two of your run at the park when you feel a tightening around your armpits and realize the girls have slipped out of the bottom of your bra and are jukin' and jivin' for all the world to see. It goes without saying that there is no subtle way to corral the girls back into the barn in the middle of a park, and it's especially fun when your efforts are observed by a group of what appear to be 12 year old boys having soccer practice.
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