-It's a tricky phase of life when you are young enough to still be hauling a lot of kids around and therefore have a need for a vehicle with a third row, but you are too old to hear what anyone in it is saying to you.
-You might be over forty if you call the Starbucks down the street from the New Year's Even party you're attending to see how late they are open.
-If you have already completely adjusted to DST, clearly you are not over forty or do not have little kids. If you are over forty WITH little kids, the government really should issue you some sort of a pass to wear for the month of March, which entitles the bearer to a nap, a cocktail, or an ice cream sandwich, whatever you feel you most need in the moment. Y'all are in my prayers.
-The #1 rule of posting group pix to social media is that the oldest woman in the shot must sign off as to whether or not it is on point. Twenty somethings, you're just going to have to give this one to us, as we are far past the days in our lives where we are able to look cute just posing with a can of Natty Light.
-You know you're middle-aged when you are with a friend waiting for your kids to get out of their church service, and you have this exchange:
Me: "Oh my word, how much longer is this going to go? I am dying to go home and get to bed. What is it, like, midnight?"
Her: "It's 9:05"
-As much as I am rebuking it, I think we are in for a lot of snow tomorrow. I base this upon the fact that my knees are killing me today. I will therefore spend the day attaching a plow blade to my Jazzy, while watching Lawrence Welk reruns and complaining about the storm to anyone who will listen. Blerg.
-A note to all of the iPhone people. If the good Lord had meant me to video chat with people, there would be a "Super Model Air Brush for Face Time" app. I was playing around with the features on the camera in bed the other night and accidently reversed the image to myself. Scared me to death and reaffirmed what I already knew, which is that a woman over 40's BFFs are darkness and distance."
-While cooling down after my run at the community center gym by walking the track, a Buff Young Man falls into step with me.
BYM: "I've seen you here running a lot and downstairs with your kids. You're in really good shape. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?"
Me: "Thanks, I'm 40"
BYM: "Wow, I'm 19. You're old enough to be MY mom!"
Me: "Great Son. Can you hold this can of whoop*** a second while I open it?"
-Did anyone else's news feed on Facebook suddenly switch to "large print" font? I did turn forty this year, but I don't appreciate FB calling me out on it. If I start seeing ads in my feed for The Scooter Store and walk-in bathtubs, Mark Zuckenheimerschlammer can expect a DBR sparkle slap for Christmas!
-Had my first experience with cosmetic injections. While I'm grateful to my aesthetician friend who gave me the free hook up, and I do like the results, I think my passing out during the procedure and throwing up afterward has convinced me I may need to leave the aging process to the Almighty.
-My sweet little boy climbs up on my lap, puts a hand on each of my cheeks, peers intently at my face and proclaims, "No, you're not old yet" Good to know.
-It's always best to have a "glass half-full" mindset when it comes to backhanded compliments. Case in point: saw a neighbor at Target and she told me, "Wow! You're looking younger than usual these days! Did you lose weight?"
-I WILL be the little old lady in the nursing home wearing a hideous sparkly Christmas sweater (even though it's June) and leaving glittery wheel chair tracks down the hall.
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